By Deacon Gregory Webster
I struggle. But don’t have much to complain about.
I fear. John Paul II told me “Be Not Afraid.”
I worry. Anxiety is a monster I try to cage.
I rush. Even when I am not in a hurry.
I hunger. But not sure for what.
I hope. Knowing in God is my joy.
I petition. For my needs.
I pray. Seeking understanding.
I bleed. But won’t admit I was cut.
I ache. My football coach said to get back up.
I ponder. Looking at the stars.
I wonder. What lies beyond them.
I search. To see what I missed.
I anger. At my injustice.
I fail. At seeing your justice.
I resent. When I am not seen.
I miss. Seeing you.
I journey. A circular path.
I topple. When I should pick up.
I believe. Help my unbelief.
I run. When I should stay.
I do not love. As Jesus calls me to do.
I do not feed the poor. I miss seeing Jesus in them.
I do not bury the dead. I bury those alive in my speech.
I do not visit the prisons. Even when the imprisoned are not in jail.
I am not a peacemaker.When seeking my place in the world.
I am not the dad my father was. But I understand him more as I get older.
I am not the brother I should be. Biological, fraternal or comrade.
I am not the relative that calls. Yet I always have a phone with me.
I am not the friend to cry with. But I will be there when you call.
I am an introvert. Who has learned to be loud.
I am not the deacon worthy of the stole. None of us are.
I put up walls. When I should be taking them down.
I pray the words. But God wants my emotions.
I recite the psalms.Without hearing the song.
I look at the sunset. Seeing the glory of creation.
I look at the horizon. And note the world is curved.
I miss my parents. Knowing they are both dead and still live.
I save for my 401K. Not being promised tomorrow.
I dream about tomorrow. Without living in joy today.
I hear the bells before Mass. And know they toll for me.
I carry decisions of 45 yrs. ago. As if I made them today.
I speak with confidence. Having little of it myself.
I am in awe. When I look at the cross.
I am the Imago Dei. So are you.
In all, none of this matters.
Today, I have a breath. God is letting me start anew.
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REVEREND DR. GREGORY WEBSTER is a permanent deacon of the Archdiocese of Chicago. He was ordained to the Permanent Diaconate by Francis Cardinal George in May 2014. Besides degrees in Chemistry, he has an M.A. in Theology from Holy Apostles College and Seminary and a D.Bioethics degree in Catholic/Research Ethics from Loyola University of Chicago.
